i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
