fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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