farters have to be the big spoon...
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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