Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
