If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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