The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
