Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
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I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
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I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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