whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
