Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
