well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
