I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
