the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
