He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
