I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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