I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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