I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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