can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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