I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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