for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
