Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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