I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Text me some of your sweat
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
