Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
