he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
