I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Randomize
