I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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