If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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