ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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