You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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