u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
