Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
