my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
