oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
