I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
