Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
