i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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