got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
