Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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