Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
