just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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