Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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