look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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