Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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