we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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