I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
