you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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