The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?