We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
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I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
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I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.