dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Randomize
