i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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