I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
