my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
