She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
