Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
