sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I checked into jail on foursquare
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
